Serving Others & My Freak Accident! God Has My Back

Friday, February 8, 2013
Today was a beautiful sunny, nice day.  I woke up to see Kendall in the kitchen with the special tray

making a breakfast and she said Mommy, I was making you breakfast in bed!  I asked her for what?  Why?

Because "I love you and just wanted to, I just felt I needed too, but why are you up?" Yes, I was a little taken by the "I needed too?" but we just enjoyed the start of our day.....then...

I asked her the same thing, why are you up?  She proceeded to tell me that Saji our 4 year old indoor outdoor kitty wanted outside.  He in himself is a cool cat to say the least.  He comes in at night, around her bed time and follows her to bed, where he proceeds to make biscuits/knead a certain pillow or stuffed animal on Kendall's bed until he's comfortable to settle in for a good nights sleep.  This day he decided he wanted to go out at a little early so she was up!

So my precious girl had not completed her special surprise but we enjoyed a perfect breakfast together and she completed all her school work and did her chores all before 11 am!  I love my sweet girl and her awesome spirit, full of wonder, delight, love and joy to share!  :)  ( also she is a tween and we do have our days, thanking God today was not one! )

Okay, so leading up to my accident was "Our day was all about serving" and I didn't get that until blogging our day!  Thank you God; He has my back!  Serving others; being a blessing, a light to others without realizing this is how our entire day went.  This is the prayer that I pray as we drive away from our home but we didn't this day because we had my best friend/sister Kendall's godmother with us.  She called and wanted to go see mom with us today and at the same time we could then take her to pick up her truck from being worked on.  We were ready to leave and was excited as we were eating to fix a little snack lunch for her as she rode with us on our journey into town.  

We all 3 went into to see Mom, who was not having a good day but did say upon my entering the room; she loved me.... :)   We spent a little over an hour with her.  We left and made a couple of stops and then took her to her truck.  

Kendall and I then headed down the road where we stopped at Walmart for the items to make the Black Bean Enchilada Casseroles 1 for our friend who lost a family member and have a funeral tomorrow and 1 for us.  Kendall and I came home, unloaded the groceries and I remembered I had a bowl of scrap bones and meat I'd had in the fridge to take down to the tank to feed the wild critters, since I don't do that from our back fence anymore.  

Our driveway is well, almost 1/4 mile long, curves in a couple of places and is a white, dusty, rocky road.  It is a white rock gravel that over the years only outlines the path we drive, and creates a dust cloud when we drive down it, much like the Road Runner chasing the Coyote in the cartoons, leaving our cars filthy no matter what we do.  Texas has been in drought for a couple of years and the tank only filled a little this last December/January from a couple of quick but drenching storms.

We drove down the drive 1/2 way to the tank, parked the car and walked around to see the tracks of each animal that visits.  We left the food, and I hopped back into the car, but Kendall wanted to walk the driveway.  I always follow behind her so you know it's slow.  I'm looking out the window, following and felt the back right of my slip and jolt me?  I felt something and before I knew it; I heard a loud noise, felt my steering wheel jerk, scrapping I can hear but can't see!!! The tree I used for guidance was now 4 feet off the road;  I could see Kendall turn around; she was about 20 feet in front of me to see her running back to me.  I was stunned.  I looked at Holly, my Pomeranian who was in the seat beside me and realized I had hit something.  

I was starting to get out of the car and my husband was calling, I answered and was telling him just what happened as I was getting out of the car and walking around to survey the damage.  I could not believe my eyes!!!  The 2 trees that line my drive have always had ample amount of brush surrounding them and I have backed up our driveway like " Lightning Steve McQueen from Cars" as I have done for over 10 years but this time was going extremely slow, and Kendall wasn't with me.  

I was so upset by this, how in the world could this happen?  Really?  This day all we had done is help a friend, spend time with Mom, talk about her treatment and make sure she's getting everything she needs, use our limited grocery budget to bless another family, then come home to relax, fix dinner then remember we need to feed the wild critters with the food I'd been saving for today's feed to only then have the back end of my car almost be wiped out!? The tail light is is the little tree and it shattered into many pieces!  I thank God we are okay but still very upset by what I see.

I tell Kendall to get in the car, finish explaining to David just what had happened.  He and my daughter both said,  "the enemy is trying to ruin your day!"  Kendall said it first, then David; almost word for word my precious family kept me from losing it and being so caught up in anger and emotions as they were all over me.  It took me about 20 minutes before my spirit heard what they were relaying to me.  God has my back!  No joke, He is always with me, protecting me, showing me grace, love and forgiveness.  I need Him to show me why am I so stubborn I jump to other emotions before realizing His undeniable compassion and mercy.

My car was hurt, my daughter was not in it, she was fine.  My little Holly was fine and so was I.  

This day was about serving and Kendall started the day blessing me; as I moved through the day being a blessing to completing the final good deed of feeding wild life.  Thank You Father God for saving me, helping me realize You and only You can.  God has my back!

May your day be filled with SunShine, Joy and Smiles........ may God bless you and remember He has your back!

Alzheimer's sucks...... God help me 2

So this is part 2 of my post regarding my day yesterday...January 28, 2013

We were excited to see my Mom, Kendall's Yai-Yai for the first time this year!

I was nervous because it had been so long, excited because we finally get to see her yet could feel that I was stressed about it.  The closer we got to the nursing home the more I could feel my heart beat and was aware my blood pressure was elevated.

Kendall and I park in our same parking place, under the giant tree in the grass, very shady.

We unload to make the trek up the ridiculously high steep hill to get to the front door.  Seriously, who in their right mind would build a nursing home atop a giant steep hill?  We are always amazed at the walk up.  We enter to see one of the residents that was happy to see us and proceeded to Mom's room.

I saw her sitting, watching TV and she had coloring pages and a color in her hand.  She was moving her hand like she was coloring but not really getting color onto the paper.  She looked up and I said "Mom!!  Hi Mom!" and walked over to her.  She just looked at Kendall and I and said nothing.  We loved on her, told her how happy we were to see her, asked her if she was okay and she just blankly looked at us.  Kendall said, "Yai-Yai, it's me, Kendall" and still nothing.  My heart hurt for my 11 year old who like me remembers being with Yai-Yai all the time and going places and doing things together to her now, in this condition.  My precious daughter, loves my mom so much and just doesn't understand.  

Mom wasn't saying a word but her eyes followed my every move.  She never quit looking at me.  I looked at her with the IV still in her right hand, not hooked up just the port so they can re-hydrate if they need to.  I explained to her why it had been a month since we'd seen her that we all had the flu then when we were well she was sick and it took 2 weeks to get through the nursing home before we could safely come back.  

I said "it has been a long time; I've missed you and I love you", she then said clear as a bell "it has been a long time" and that was the only thing she said in the hour and a half we were there.  My friend who is also an aid there and looks after mom noticed the colors weren't coloring and gave Mom a marker.  The next thing I know she is just holding it in her hand.  We were trying to get her to drink some tea but she would act like she was swallowing and just hold the liquid in her mouth until it would start dripping from her lips down her chin.  :(   I would wipe it then the aid tried and the same thing.

The RN for mom came to speak with me with her giant chart and asked if I had any questions.  I let her know that I was concerned Mom wasn't speaking and that her bottom lip was protruding and she just didn't seem right.  The RN then let me know that they were trying to get the UTI cleared up and they couldn't tell if the way she was acting was from the infection or the disease.  I noticed she was still holding that marker and I asked to her let me have it and open her hand, she looked at me and I said "Mom, open your hand, please, the marker is getting all over your hand," she looked down at her hand and opened it up for me and I took the marker and gave her back a crayon.

The RN and I then stepped outside the room and I asked if why the IV port was still in her hand and explained that she was not swallowing.  I explained I was worried about her that she just didn't seem right.  I questioned if because I hadn't seen her in a few weeks if that could cause this and she told me no. The RN then told me that Mom does know who I am because she responded to me.  The RN Natalie told me that mom wouldn't respond for any of them like she just did for me.  She said, she opened her hand up for you and would not do that for any of them.  

Natalie and I then talked again about Hospice and she said she would get me a list and that I should speak with the Social Worker to get all the questions to ask them so I could find the right one and to select carefully.  We then talked about the benefits of Hospice and that lead to something else....

Natalie said that I have something I can't remember the name but it means if Mom's heart stops that they will revive her.  I said, yes, when she came last September and they asked me I still believe with all my heart that Mom would get better, that it was just the medicine they had her on making her like she was and that during a care plan several months ago was forced to face the fact that she is not going to get better and that her disease was progressing quickly.

Natalie the RN, is a little younger, soft, beautiful skin, happy eyes that remind me of my high school friend Beth Grubbs, the eyes just look like they are smiling.  Her hair, light brownish blonde was pulled back into a pony tail and she is just as sweet, soft spoken and honest as she can be explained to me that all kinds of things could happen if Mom coded.  The nursing home is going to talk with me and explain everything to me, for starters when reviving Mom they could break her ribs!  :((   Kendall and I said goodbye and Kendall said to me "today was a sad visit Mommy, Yai-Yai seemed really sad."

I was so not ready for this much less prepared for any of this!  I just wanted to see Mom, was concerned why she wasn't talking with me and worried about her not swallowing liquids.  We will be discussing the DNR the next visit at the end of this week.

My heart breaks thinking about this decision, I can't put my mind around not reviving Mom except when I see her quality of life.  What would she want? Honestly, she colored her hair religiously every 4 weeks, she wore and took care of her face with Clinique as long as I can remember and in my 20's bought me the start up kit and taught me how to care for my skin.  My mom, took pride in taking care and painting her nails, putting on her jewelry every day and just her own personal hygiene.  Her favorite things were the Food Network cooking channel and Channel 13 Saturday programs for their culinary flare such as Julia Childs, Rick Steve's Europe etc...  

My heart breaks, I want my Mom, but I am her legal guardian and with that it is to act in her best interest and it is not about me. I will talk with the Social Worker and Nursing Staff to discuss exactly what I need to do next such as get my Mom hospice so that she is comfortable always....and change my choice to DNR......do not resuscitate..... when the Lord is ready to bring her home.

God help me, help me, help me, please.......   I love my Mom............

Alzheimer's sucks another blow..... God help me 1

Monday,  January 28th, 2013

Today was an overcast morning here in North Texas.  We meaning Kendall my daughter and I woke a little late after our big weekend and were very excited because today was the 1st day we were going to see my Mom all year!!  

Seriously, Christmas Eve we spent with my Mom, we talked and interacted together it was a good day.  We planned on going back that next Friday, the 28th... but fate had another plan. My husband calls me from the office saying " I have chills and don't feel well" and I tell him to come on home.  

The flu is in Texas and really spreading and I prayed that wasn't it.  I made the choice to not see Mom today so that to prepare for him, just in case I got the linens changed, kleenex out, Emergen-C  out and prepared supper to help him when he got home.

My sweet husband came home, felt so bad, took his temperature 102 and sent him to bed.  He told me he felt "drunk" and well his cough that started that morning was by the evening was nothing to take lightly.  He went to bed and was there, basically, 3 days!  I put on a mask, packed an overnight bag and camped out in the den/family room and used the hall bathroom.  He was home but Kendall and I were alone, Friday, Saturday (with the exception of  my 2 aunts and cousin for a couple of hours) and Sunday.   

Sunday, the 30th, David felt good enough to sit in the recliner for a couple hours then back to bed, yet away from us, he had the flu.  However, sleeping on the couch around 2:30 a.m. New Years Eve morning Kendall wakes me to say she's not feeling well.  :(  I jumped liked the scene from Home Alone when the parents realize they've over slept!  She startled me and I jumped.  She laughed despite feeling crappy with fever around 100.  Gave her some Advil and off to bed.  I prayed, went back to sleep the best I could because all I could do was think about my 11 year old precious daughter and loving husband whom I'd not slept with since the Friday night he coughed in my hair all night!

So we woke the next day,New Years Eve and Kendall had developed the deep, loud, congested, scary cough that had been with David the past 3 days.  He was now over his fever and hers was escalating to the point she was complaining about a headache and restless. 102.7 and Ibuprophen and Tylenol every 4 hours.  She, unlike her father wanted to be in the den recliner with me around.  When I put her to bed set my alarm for every 4 hours to alternate meds and keep her fever down because this is how I was raised.  My Papaw was an MD and my Grandmother a RN....not to mention I was on the Deans Academic List in Nursing School!

Thank the good Lord I have always prepared Kendall to wake when I came to her room with meds to take but did my best to make it special as this was New Years Eve.

12 am temperature check, medicine and 2 vanilla wafers plus a bottled water.  You can't take meds on an empty tummy and she sat up took her meds with a smile and went back to sleep as I told her to be ready to wake again for another dose.  God has blessed me with the ability to explain to her all her life what is going on so it doesn't come as a surprise and she responds with His grace.  

I, alone, celebrated New Year's Eve with my Wine Toast in my special Tis the Season Fa La La La La glass, by the glow of our Christmas Tree which was so beautiful.  I was glad to be able to take care of them but sad as I didn't get to see my Mom Friday and now here I was taking care of my husband and daughter that had the flu so I couldn't think of taking that around her and the 1st New Years in 16 years David and I didn't share a kiss at midnight.

  Thank God it was a quiet night because I'm by now, exhausted!  I mean, really!!  Back on the couch for my next nap.

The next morning, January 1, 2013

David feeling human again and out of our bedroom; Kendall clingy still alternating meds but letting more time go in between doses to see where the fever is at.  The next thing I know it's time for bed, Kendall wants me to stay with her; she coughs all over me and I pray, silently, Lord help me not to get this and to get through this....

Well we manage to get through with David having fever 3 days, Kendall for 2 and I was super thankful that I had managed to miss the flu as I nursed my family back to health and that I stayed well.  We were together on January 2nd Kendall's fever going down and feeling better.  , was a quiet day we sat as a family watching movies all day doing nothing but together; finally.  I was super tired this day and by that evening, yep, started feeling like I was getting a cold.

January 3, woke up freezing even though I was under 4 blankets and feeling like my skin was crawling.  When I went to the bathroom and pulled my pants down it hurt my skin.  I had 101.5 dad gum it; i hadn't missed it.  I felt awful.  Mine, however, was in my head, fever for me just 24 hours.  Thank the good Lord!

According to the CDC and all the news casts show all about the flu spreading and how you are contagious 7 days after fever is gone and that coughs can last for up to 18 days, and the fatigue or tiredness lingers for at least 7-10 days for each of us.   I am, have always been a little bit of a germ freak.  I wipe the handles of carts and have for years with antibacterial wipes.  

So we stay in, not going anywhere until January 16th with only David going to work and the store if we need something.  We got ready to go see mom on the 10th only to find out she had the stomach virus and it was spreading all through the nursing home!  

2 weeks and the nursing home is all clear, January 29th we went to see her and boom.... next blog.... God help me 2

Alzheimer's Devastating Curse 1

On October 17th, 2012 I sent out this email to my family, friends and anyone that I could think of who knew or loved my mother:

After prayerful consideration I am compelled to let everyone know just what is going on with my Mom/Vicki

so that no one is shocked or left out and understands exactly where she is and why.  This does not come lightly but is necessary as mom loves each of you and you have been an integral part of her life at some point and would not be fair to her to not give everyone the ability to see her.

As you know by now or have heard through the grapevine that Mom/Vicki has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's/Dementia & she will be 64 on February 18, 2013.

This diagnosis occurred a little over 2 years ago.  As with Mom she's always done things a little different and her disease seems to be going along with her in that way.  I have been forced to see first hand exactly what this disease can do to someone you love.  

Mom has over the past 2-3 years gone from someone who drove to Walmart everyday, several times a day, to calling Brother, Annette

and myself countless times a day to calling us at all hours 24/7 with no rhyme or reason other than to say I love you or just sit there to someone

that cannot carry a conversation.  She first has always been a "jolly lolly" person happy in her own little world and able to be in the real one

with God's grace and a smile on her face to someone who now stares blankly.  

She smiles so sweetly when we come to see her, and she will talk to me but only answer what I ask and it is not a quick response, half the time I have to guess and she will yes or no till we get it and then giggle a little.  This is precious time that I thank God for and we have it often.  

Her face is still young, beautiful and eyes still so blue, however, she has lost so many teeth it is alarming.  I bring this to your attention so when you come see her you will not be shocked by her appearance because as I see it all the time it is troubling.  Genetics, medications etc... have aided in the tooth loss, which is mainly on the top.  

Last year she would roll all around in her wheelchair and now she just sits in it.   She managed to move the wheels 1'' a couple of weeks ago with some prompting but it was hard for her so that is it.  She spends most of the time in her bed or her wheel chair. 

 She loves to color but only on certain days.  She speaks in full sentences when I bring Holly my Pomeranian who is her approved therapy dog. 

 Her upper mobility is slow but she holds Holly, pets her or plays with the zipper on her travel bag.  Mom will move the hair from my eyes  and hold my hand. She loves to be hugged. 

 I received a call this past weekend from the nursing home telling me that they needed to send Mom to the hospital because her sodium level was extremely high and she was dehydrated.  The Doctor informed me that her sodium level was critical and he had her on IV drip to re-hydrate her.  

When I met with the nursing staff to address my concerns before going to the hospital, they informed me that she would not eat or drink and that her jaw was locked down.  They did all they could do to assist but were worried and so they sent her via ambulance to Harris Methodist where she was re-hydrated and back to her "normal" state.  They ordered another swallow study.  I say another because I authorized one back in September for speech eval and swallowing.  She can swallow, the issue now is she forgets.  :((

They think she could have had a TIA, mini stroke or the disease has progressed to this state and this will come and go.  For now, she is good and back to pureed food at a feeding table.  Mom does feed her self but needs help if she forgets.  She cannot straighten her legs any longer either.  

The disease has drastically taken over and she is at the end stage 7. 

 This is what I need for each and everyone to understand; research yourself and be aware of the time we have left with her

as the person we love before her mind is totally erased by this devastating, gut wrenching, sad, nasty, horrible curse of a disease.

I know that she might not remember everyone but those who truly know her I urge you to please come see her, she might not speak but her smile and her

eyes will let you know she recognizes you and she might just speak, try, try and don't give up.

This letter, however, inspired her sisters, her nephew, a beautiful letter from a dear old friend for me and one sent to her, a couple of flower arrangements and a high school friend to visit but even with this not my brother, her son.  :(       I have prayed for God to restore my family and that is where I am leaving this.

This picture was Christmas Eve 12/24/12  We got her to smile and keep it long enough for our photo!  My daughter and I see her 2-3 times a week with the exception of this flu season and we love her dearly.  To me she is exactly the Mom I know, by the way she lights up when she sees me, yet still wants to move the piece of hair that I think purposely falls so she can move it; and when I ask her she can lift her arms to hug me.  It may not be the hugs of past but my heart melts and without her seeing I dry my eyes and say goodbye.  I always think I won't cry but God knows my heart, love and compassion plus grief for her and well He gets me through.  

I received a call yesterday that she had a UTI, and they had trouble waking her and that during her lunch she passed out, they said fell asleep but I knew better.  I was very concerned that she was suffering from severe dehydration again and my suspicion was correct.  I received a call this afternoon to tell me that they were sending her to the hospital; again.   

In that moment my guard dog personality began questioning why this happened again, explaining that her dad my Grandfather was a MD, my Grandmother was a nurse, that I myself was on the academic Deans List in college where I was studying to be a nurse and that the only reason I was not one is I did not get into my school of choice.  I informed them that I had just submitted my Guardianship report and said that I had listed she was being taken care of and now I was on the verge of calling the Probate Court and speaking to the Judge to inform them of what was going on!  At that moment the Nurse on the phone said the Director of Nurses would like to talk with me.

I explained to her how frustrated I was and she calmly explained to me that Mom over the past couple of days had been "pocketing" food and became dehydrated.  I told her that yesterday the Nurse had told me she had a UTI and he thought the medication was causing her to pass out and not wake.  I let him know then and her that I knew that was not the issue.  I asked them to write on her chart to take her Sodium Levels 1st

before running UTI's and then spending 2 days in limbo for the freaking tests to be ran so that she is now critically dehydrated.  She then asked me if I'd thought about hospice?  

My heart broke and my anger and business sense flew right out the window and I started crying uncontrollably.  I have spoken with one of my friends who works at the nursing home where my mother is and told her everything.  She calmly explained to me how hospice would care for my Mom, make her comfortable, treat her like she's on cloud nine.  She then explained that it doesn't mean death's door only, that there is another resident there that has had hospice since 2001.  I feel much better about everything and now have a new "to do" for my mom.  I will find her hospice to make her everyday life better and we will go from there.   God help me and guide me through in all I do, Amen.  

My precious Mom, Vicki Lasley...... I love you with all my heart!