We were excited to see my Mom, Kendall's Yai-Yai for the first time this year!
I was nervous because it had been so long, excited because we finally get to see her yet could feel that I was stressed about it. The closer we got to the nursing home the more I could feel my heart beat and was aware my blood pressure was elevated.
Kendall and I park in our same parking place, under the giant tree in the grass, very shady.
We unload to make the trek up the ridiculously high steep hill to get to the front door. Seriously, who in their right mind would build a nursing home atop a giant steep hill? We are always amazed at the walk up. We enter to see one of the residents that was happy to see us and proceeded to Mom's room.
I saw her sitting, watching TV and she had coloring pages and a color in her hand. She was moving her hand like she was coloring but not really getting color onto the paper. She looked up and I said "Mom!! Hi Mom!" and walked over to her. She just looked at Kendall and I and said nothing. We loved on her, told her how happy we were to see her, asked her if she was okay and she just blankly looked at us. Kendall said, "Yai-Yai, it's me, Kendall" and still nothing. My heart hurt for my 11 year old who like me remembers being with Yai-Yai all the time and going places and doing things together to her now, in this condition. My precious daughter, loves my mom so much and just doesn't understand.
Mom wasn't saying a word but her eyes followed my every move. She never quit looking at me. I looked at her with the IV still in her right hand, not hooked up just the port so they can re-hydrate if they need to. I explained to her why it had been a month since we'd seen her that we all had the flu then when we were well she was sick and it took 2 weeks to get through the nursing home before we could safely come back.
I said "it has been a long time; I've missed you and I love you", she then said clear as a bell "it has been a long time" and that was the only thing she said in the hour and a half we were there. My friend who is also an aid there and looks after mom noticed the colors weren't coloring and gave Mom a marker. The next thing I know she is just holding it in her hand. We were trying to get her to drink some tea but she would act like she was swallowing and just hold the liquid in her mouth until it would start dripping from her lips down her chin. :( I would wipe it then the aid tried and the same thing.
The RN for mom came to speak with me with her giant chart and asked if I had any questions. I let her know that I was concerned Mom wasn't speaking and that her bottom lip was protruding and she just didn't seem right. The RN then let me know that they were trying to get the UTI cleared up and they couldn't tell if the way she was acting was from the infection or the disease. I noticed she was still holding that marker and I asked to her let me have it and open her hand, she looked at me and I said "Mom, open your hand, please, the marker is getting all over your hand," she looked down at her hand and opened it up for me and I took the marker and gave her back a crayon.
The RN and I then stepped outside the room and I asked if why the IV port was still in her hand and explained that she was not swallowing. I explained I was worried about her that she just didn't seem right. I questioned if because I hadn't seen her in a few weeks if that could cause this and she told me no. The RN then told me that Mom does know who I am because she responded to me. The RN Natalie told me that mom wouldn't respond for any of them like she just did for me. She said, she opened her hand up for you and would not do that for any of them.
Natalie and I then talked again about Hospice and she said she would get me a list and that I should speak with the Social Worker to get all the questions to ask them so I could find the right one and to select carefully. We then talked about the benefits of Hospice and that lead to something else....
Natalie said that I have something I can't remember the name but it means if Mom's heart stops that they will revive her. I said, yes, when she came last September and they asked me I still believe with all my heart that Mom would get better, that it was just the medicine they had her on making her like she was and that during a care plan several months ago was forced to face the fact that she is not going to get better and that her disease was progressing quickly.
Natalie the RN, is a little younger, soft, beautiful skin, happy eyes that remind me of my high school friend Beth Grubbs, the eyes just look like they are smiling. Her hair, light brownish blonde was pulled back into a pony tail and she is just as sweet, soft spoken and honest as she can be explained to me that all kinds of things could happen if Mom coded. The nursing home is going to talk with me and explain everything to me, for starters when reviving Mom they could break her ribs! :(( Kendall and I said goodbye and Kendall said to me "today was a sad visit Mommy, Yai-Yai seemed really sad."
I was so not ready for this much less prepared for any of this! I just wanted to see Mom, was concerned why she wasn't talking with me and worried about her not swallowing liquids. We will be discussing the DNR the next visit at the end of this week.
My heart breaks thinking about this decision, I can't put my mind around not reviving Mom except when I see her quality of life. What would she want? Honestly, she colored her hair religiously every 4 weeks, she wore and took care of her face with Clinique as long as I can remember and in my 20's bought me the start up kit and taught me how to care for my skin. My mom, took pride in taking care and painting her nails, putting on her jewelry every day and just her own personal hygiene. Her favorite things were the Food Network cooking channel and Channel 13 Saturday programs for their culinary flare such as Julia Childs, Rick Steve's Europe etc...
My heart breaks, I want my Mom, but I am her legal guardian and with that it is to act in her best interest and it is not about me. I will talk with the Social Worker and Nursing Staff to discuss exactly what I need to do next such as get my Mom hospice so that she is comfortable always....and change my choice to DNR......do not resuscitate..... when the Lord is ready to bring her home.
God help me, help me, help me, please....... I love my Mom............
i love you Honey. Keep it up you are doing great!
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