The Start of God Has My Back......

Life:    As I know it....   my day........ today...........1/12/13.

My precious 11 year old and I had a wonderful day.  We read the Bible together; we cleaned the house together and each of us cleaned something to make our day special while doing it separately.  When my precious husband came home... her Daddy... we each wanted him to see what we had done, together and just for him and or us.

I had just posted God's beautiful sunset onto Facebook, had a glass of red wine and home made spaghetti and garlic noodles (Kendall's favorite, she's like to just have the noodles). We enjoyed dinner and a TV special together while eating, we talked during, but understand that we DO bless our food before we start the show.  I was raised eating dinner at a little table in front of Little House on the Prairie or The Walton's, and now we do the same thing but different shows.  God gives me this:    The scripture:  Train your child in the way he should go and he will not stray far from it..... takes on a whole new meaning!

As my family has gone to bed I was on Facebook seeing all my precious friends posts about being pregnant, or their new baby and all the wonder that goes with each step; the precious baby smiles, eyes and laughs that accompany all these posts that I love, sitting here in my silence and my heart broke.  You see, I can no longer have babies but at the same time I am so happy, excited, filled with joy and love for all the babies, my family and friends are blessed with but with every smile and feeling of joy for me also brings tears. Tears of what was, what could have been, what I have lost and unless God creates, yet, another miracle inside me, I will not experience again during my life on this earth.  Childbearing.  One word = Miracle.

I always want to be uplifting and positive in everything I choose to share with the world.  However, first you must understand that I was crippled and I have lost 2 children to miscarriage.  I am often asked, is Kendall your only child?  My Lord has guided me to answer:  I have 3, she is my Earth Angel and the other 2 are in Heaven watching over us.  He has to help me; how can I answer as I love her with all my being and at the same time grieve for the 2 that did not make it?  She is blessed beyond measure and God is and will use her life to bring glory to Him, Amen.  The emotions and physical ramifications that were experienced for the other 2 are very real to me; regardless they were not able to be born and I know there are countless women/friends/souls out there that feel this same way.

I lost my Morgan, May 05, 2005.... Cinco de Mayo which I used to celebrate now has a whole new meaning for me.... and I had to have the other baby surgically removed in 2008 because the Doctor was worried about bleeding and told me to have a DNC.  That day to me, still I don't know the terminology because I don't want to; it was painful enough. That day is a story within itself; both losses are and deserve to be told and I will as the Lord guides me.

I have so much to say; I know I can help, but only as time permits and the Lord guides me too, because, I can only type so much before my eyes are filled with salty tears that burn my eyes, sting my cheeks and now my nose it running, making it hard to type but knowing that I have to because I have held it in for years and years.